April 18, 2015

Dear Scott Diary,

I don’t know if you know this, but I think about you every day. Every day I feel so lucky to be alive, to be free and to be happy. I don’t think there’s any way I could ever repay you for what you did.

I wish that I could tell you. But we haven’t spoken in so long; I wouldn’t know where to begin.  If I could, I would tell you everything. Everything from start to finish. I would thank you a thousand times. It might have seemed like such a small thing to you at the time, but it helped save me. In fact, I doubt that you even remember. It was so long ago; we were just kids. That’s the saddest part somehow. We were just kids….

I could never really tell anyone the whole story. Even after all this time. I just keep it inside. It’s not that I think about it constantly. Most days I am able to forget. I would tell someone, but I don’t know who would want to listen. My husband probably knows the most about what happened, but there are things I can’t tell even him. I don’t think he would understand….

I don’t know what my life would be like if I were still with Kyle. I used to pray every night, “Please God, please don’t let me marry him, please let me find some way to escape.” It never occurred to me to just walk away, always because I was so afraid of hurting him that I never stopped to think about what he was doing to me.

One thing I’ve never figured out is why. Why did he do these things? Why me? Why anyone?

I remember talking about what happened with one of my friends, probably a couple of years after the fact. She didn’t know the whole story, no one does, but she knew enough. She asked me if I thought that maybe Kyle was actually a good guy, and that just in our relationship, in that one time of his life, things got a little bit out of hand. I don’t know if that’s true, and I really don’t want to know. Isn’t it enough that it did get out of hand? Isn’t it enough that this happened to me, that I had to suffer when so many others just looked the other way and never did anything to help me?

If I’m angry with anyone, it is his mother. She knew. She knew, she knew, she knew, she knew, she knew, she knew….SO WHY DIDN’T SHE EVER DO ANYTHING? How could she just stand by and let everything happen? It makes me so angry. I want to cry and scream at her and run away all at the same time.

Oh Scott, I wish I could tell you everything….

Love,

Audrey

Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did

Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
But for you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

Though the marks on your dress
Had been neatly repressed
I knew that something was wrong
And I should have spoke out
And I’m so sorry now
I didn’t know
Cause we were so young

Oh, clouds of time
Seem to rain on
Innocence left behind
And it never goes away

But it was she who spoke them.

As soon as I heard that, I ran over to where the two of them were standing. I used all of my weight and force and flung him against the car. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted in his face. He looked wildly from side to side, searching for a way out. But I didn’t give him one. I put my hand to his throat. “Listen to me, you bastard. I don’t care what your parents taught you in your sick little household, but you’d better not lay a finger on her ever again. And if I see you around here again, I swear to God I’ll call the cops.” I took her arm and lead her back into her house. She was crying. “It’s going to be all right,” I whispered, “He’ll never bother you again, I’ll make sure of it.”

I don’t know why I didn’t do that. Instead, I turned around, walked back into my house, and shut the door. I could still hear them yelling outside. Eventually, they stopped. I heard his tires squeal as he pulled out of the driveway. Then everything was quiet.

Or do you lose it bit by bit? Does it leave you so slowly, so incrementally, that you don’t notice until one day you look inside of yourself and realize that it’s all gone? That nothing is left besides hardship, and responsibility, and knowledge, and the things you can’t forget?

I keep thinking back to the hill in the backyard of my childhood home. I remember playing on it; the lush green grass, one day we discovered wildflowers growing at the bottom. During the drought of the 1980s all of the grass died.

That was the same year my father left.

Somehow, I don’t know how, we never got around to reseeding the hill. And over a period of years, it eroded away. If I had known what was happening, I probably would have made the time to plant the grass; made the time to save the hill. But I didn’t realize it. Soon after the drought came and the grass died, I stopped playing on the hill; I went to the park with my friends to swim and play soccer. I went to the movies with a girl, my first date ever. She dumped me three months later, and I cried for days. I went away to college. One day, I looked in my backyard and the hill was gone. I cried for days.

We lived next door to one another our whole lives. I remember all the time we spent together as children. I would go over to her house after I got home from school. Our grandmother babysat for her at the time. One day there was an empty Rubbermaid bin sitting in her garage; I put her in it and pushed her around the kitchen, pretending it was a boat. She laughed for hours.

One year her father, my uncle, built a swing set in their backyard for her birthday. “Push me Scott! Push me higher!” she would screech. I’ll never forget how beautiful, how innocent she was that day in her yellow dress. I went home and swore to myself that I would protect her forever. That I would never let anything bad happen to her.

I can’t write any more.

Scott

“Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of to-day. It is to have a spirit yet streaming from the waters of baptism; it is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul.”

Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Robert Frost.

Nature’s first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

This guide is intended to assist community professionals or resource people coming into contact with women who are emotionally abused, by providing tools for assessing emotional abuse, and ways to respond.

Emotional abuse is the repeated use of controlling and harmful behaviours by a partner to control a woman. As a result of emotional abuse, a woman lives her life in fear and repeatedly alters her thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and denies her needs, to avoid further abuse.

Important Factors to Consider:

• Abuse can happen to any woman regardless of her age, culture, ability, or socio-economic background.
• If a woman has been physically assaulted, she has most likely been emotionally abused as well, although the reverse is not necessarily true.
• Emotional abuse is the greatest predictor of physical violence. Therefore, any woman who has been emotionally abused is also at risk of murder or suicide.
• A woman may seek help indirectly and hope the professional will identify the abuse.
• Abused women have identified that the long-term effects of emotional abuse are greater than any other form of abuse, including physical violence.

Tactics of Emotional Abuse

It is impossible to create a complete list of the tactics that are used by abusive men to control their female partners. The following list represents the most reported forms of abuse by women who are or have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. When speaking with a woman, it is also helpful to determine whether the acts are of a repeated and ongoing nature, or isolated incidents.

Does the woman report that her partner has:

Verbal Abuse:

• Criticized her, told her she is stupid, fat or ugly or called her names;
• Told her that no one else would want her or that she could not make it on her own;
• Made racist comments about her cultural background;
• Criticized her spiritual beliefs;
• Played mind games with her; lied to her or recreated events;
• Refused to talk to her for long periods of time – silent treatment;
• Shamed or humiliated her if she needs him to take care of physical needs related to a disability;
• Denied his actions or minimized them;
• Told the woman that all the problems in the relationship are her fault;

Isolation:

• Interfered with her relationships with family, friends or co-workers;
• Made accusations of infidelity if she spoke to another man, or accused her of being a lesbian if she has female friends;
• Interrogated her about her whereabouts and the people she talked to;
• Prevented her from attending her faith community;
• Refused to allow a woman to go to work school or other independent activities;
• Did not allow her to take English classes;
• Refused to provide ASL interpretation where needed for a deaf woman;

Threats:

• Threatened to deport her if she does not stay in the relationship;
• Threatened to kill himself; said that he can’t make it without her;
• Threatened to take the children from her or ensure she never sees them again;
• Threatened to harm or kill her, her children, family, friends, farm animals or pets;

Intimidation:

• Destroyed or thrown out things that were important to her;
• Slammed doors; punched holes in walls; pulled phone out of the wall;
• Yelled at her; would not allow her to speak;
• Held a deaf woman’s hands so she could not sign; refuse to use a Blissymbolics board or other communication devices;
• Took her wheel-chair out of reach or damage her scooter;

Sexual Abuse:

• Insisted that she have sex with him in whatever manner he wanted and whenever he wanted;
• Threatened to have affairs, or accuse her of having affairs if she did not have sex with him;
• Withheld sex in a malicious way, to punish her or make her feel bad about herself;

Financial Abuse:

• Did not allow her any access to financial resources;
• Made her account for every penny she spends;
• Denied her the opportunity to work outside of the home;

Neglect:

• Refused to assist a woman with a disability to the toilet, left her in bed or neglected her for long periods of time;
• Denied her basic needs such as food or hygiene;
• Refused to allow additional help in the home to take care of her needs.

Impact Of The Emotional Abuse

You may also be able to identify cues to a woman being emotionally abused, by her behaviours and the ways she has been impacted by the abuse. One constant for women who are abused is fear. In addition to the indicators listed below, there are two key questions used to assess if a woman is being emotionally abused:

• Does the woman indicate that she is fearful of negative reprisals from her partner if she does not do what he wants?
• Does the woman alter her behaviour, preferences or choices as a result of this fear?

How does she present her partner or the relationship?

• Does the woman seem to be unable to make a decision independent of her husband/partner?
• Is the woman quick to defend her partner from any criticism or make excuses for her partner’s behaviour? Does she minimize his behaviour or the impact on her?
• Does she take responsibility for making things better in the relationship?
• Does she seem fearful of doing anything that might make her partner upset?

How does she present herself?

• Have you noticed that she is becoming less confident and able to speak for herself?
• Is she quick to put herself down or discount positive feedback?
• Does she always take the blame for things, especially anything to do with her relationship?

What is her overall well being?

• Is she having difficulty sleeping and feel repeatedly tired?
• Does she report feeling anxious all of the time? Does she appear jumpy?
• Is she depressed or suicidal?
• If a woman has a chronic illness or disability, does it seem to be getting worse?
• Is she developing health problems that are related to stress?
• Is she using drugs or alcohol to cope?
• Does she say that sometimes she feels like she is going crazy?

Level of Isolation/Independence

• Does the woman have any sources of support outside of the relationship?
• Has she quit or pulled out of work, school or other social activities?
• Does her partner always accompany her to appointments?
• Has her partner relocated the woman away from family, friends or job?
• Does she have access to money?
• Is the woman prevented from learning English?
• If the woman has a disability, does her partner insist that she needs no one but him to help her?

Responding To Emotionally Abused Women

Women consistently report that the biggest problem they have with getting help is that no one takes emotional abuse seriously. Improving your own response to women who have been emotionally abused can truly make a difference.

Unhelpful Responses:

• Blaming the woman for the abuse or suggesting that if she just tried harder, or was more supportive to her husband the abuse would end;
• Making excuses for her abusive partner, such as he is under stress, or it is due to his alcohol or drug use;
• Suggesting that what they need is couples counselling; implying either directly or indirectly that she is equally responsible for the emotional abuse that she is experiencing;
• Trying to take control of the situation and telling her what she must do;
• Minimizing the abuse, and telling her to be grateful that he is not hitting her;
• Blaming the abuse on the woman’s disability;
• Focussing on the treatment of her depression or anxiety – including the use of prescription drugs, and labeling her mentally ill instead of looking at the abuse that has caused it;
• Discounting the abuse as part of her culture.

Helpful Responses to Emotional Abuse:

• Listen respectfully and take an abused woman seriously; ask her what she needs;
• Reassure her you will keep her confidence and clearly explain confidentiality;
• Ask open ended questions about abuse, and include examples of emotional abuse;
• Believe an abused woman’s story;
• Let the woman identify what is having the greatest impact on her;
• Help an abused woman see her strengths and survival skills;
• Help an abused woman see how she had been losing self-confidence;
• Assist an abused woman to plan for change;
• Help an abused woman understand the impact on the children;
• Direct the woman to someone who can help her;
• Have brochures available in different languages;
• Ensure that a woman with a disability is asked what she needs to come to the office, such as a Braille map or someone to meet her;
• Utilize trained Cultural or American Sign Language Interpreters;
• Suggest that she get legal advise so she knows her rights and;
• Respect a woman’s choices.

This project has received financial support from the Ontario Women’s Directorate and does not necessarily reflect the views of the Government of Ontario.

When you listen to this, please close your eyes. This is where I want to be. Not a place, but a state of mind. It’s all I look forward to, it’s all I strive toward. One day I will know what it feels like.

Love,

Audrey

Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
- James 1:24, RSV

I remember it like it was yesterday. After one year and eight months of hanging out with my friends less than a dozen times, we went to see the play Cinderella in May of my Sophomore year. I was free.

Kyle and I broke up on April 18, 1997. It was my sixteenth birthday. We had been dating for one year and eight months. We started dating on August 6, 1995. I was only fourteen years old.

Half of my high school career was spent wasted with him. I can never have that time back.

I wish you knew how grateful I am….

Love,

Audrey

“To me, you are living example of how perfect a person can be. And I know you’re going to say that you’re not perfect but you’re perfect for me and you’re everything I need. If someone was to ask me, “If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you need to survive?” You would be number one on my list. Being without you is like being without oxygen, I need you forever and always to guide me and to love me, and to give me someone to love.”

“As I write this, I’m really worried that my book won’t be as good as yours, and that mine will suck and you’ll be like, “Yeah, whatever….” And throw it in a box and forget about it, and that yours will be all amazing, just like you. I’m worried about that all the time, that I won’t live up to your expectations.”

“I miss you so much when we’re not together. I feel like you’re a part of me, and that we should be together every day, rain or shine. I know that you’ll always be there for me, though, even like now when I can’t talk to you. And I want you to know that I’ll always be with you, even during the summer when we’re miles away and you won’t be able to see me for two months, I’ll always be there.”

“I know that sometimes I get a little jealous about how you felt about girls in the past, and I don’t know, I guess it’s because I was never one of those girls all of the guys wanted. I just never felt like I could be so special to someone, especially after years of having crushes on and dating random guys and only imagining what it would be like to be in the kind of relationship we’re in now. I never thought that guys could say the sweet things you say to me on a daily basis, like how beautiful I am, or how I’m your present, or how much you love me.”

“I’m really sorry about the way I’ve been acting lately. I know that over the summer I promised you guys that I would broaden my horizons and hang out with people other that Kyle, and so far I’m ashamed to say that I haven’t done a very good job of keeping my promise.”

“To be honest, when I first started dating Kyle I was so happy to have a boyfriend as caring and as kind as he was, and because I hadn’t really made many friends at school yet, I was happy just to hang out with him every weekend. But, a couple months later I started wanting to go out with my friends and have friends nights, but unfortunately Kyle hadn’t moved on to that part of the relationship yet.”

“I’m not the kind of person who is going to spend a whole year of my life with someone and just throw it away because I’ve become too involved.”

“I think the reason I didn’t do many things before was because I was afraid Kyle would be lonely or whatever but now that I realize he wants the same thing, I’m free to do these things. I don’t think that Kyle and I going back to being just friends would be a good idea, only because it would cause a lot of heartache and it would make me take a big step in the wrong direction.”

“To be honest, some of my underlying insecurity is that every time I have something really great, or am looking forward to something a lot, it tends to be taken away from me. I think part of that has manifested itself into possessiveness, like if I hang onto something hard enough there’s no way it will ever be taken away.”